Well last week Tommy and I  started a class with Dave Ramsey called Financial Peace University. It is a 12 week course held at a local church.  They actually give you DVDs of the course so you could watch it from home, or you can sign up online.  We are attending in person because a) we need a scheduled time to do it and they have childcare b)TOMMY wanted to attend and as part of my ALLOWING him to change I’m totally ecstatic that he thinks we should study about money together.  c) at the class we have a discussion group so we can “talk” without having to only be us.  d)always looking for networking opportunities.

Seriously we go for months without fighting about money!

Of course those are the months that Tommy is ignoring the money and I hold the burden all me own.  What always happens with that is I slip up, bounce a check or miss a payment and we are suddenly way off.  Then he hunkers down and starts having our regular talks about money and I follow our agreed upon agenda precisely.  When we do money flows in and out easily.  When we don’t we suffer,  our m and sales go down, our expenses go up, our NEEDS go up….

I really like what one of the testimonials on Dave’s program says “When you talk about money you don’t have to fight about money”.   Of course Tommy and I had a HUGE fight when we came home from the class last week.  It started with his telling the discussion group that he dragged me into here because he wanted me to be on the same page.  Totally discounting the YEARS I have been trying to get him to practice these principles but he wouldn’t.   We mostly had resolved that when he mentioned there was a chance he might lose his job, and I started talking about what his options were….  he took it as a total accusation that I don’t appreciate what he does (which I do by the way, LOVE the benefits,  LOVE the regular paycheck) and fired back with “at least I go out and do something that brings money in each day!  It’s true, lots of blame and lots of finger pointing went on.

It all boiled down to I have to be more courageous in my business endeavors and he has to spend time with me managing the money.

So we got our quickie budget done, we committed that $1000 of our tax return will go to our “emergency” fund which will never have to be used.  AND I held him to not spending the extra money he got on this check except for the things we had agreed it would go to.

My conclusion.  Well I think this is one more step in my allowing my marriage to be a wonderful place to be.  We have made SO MUCH progress since I realized I had to stop nagging and pushing and just allow Tommy to be Tommy and me to be me.  The 3-4 years since that has happened have brought lots of good times.  Even these little “bad” moments really leave us with more resolve to work together.

I TRULY believe that ANY marriage can be saved.  I have loved working with the people I have successfully coached through this and look forward to coaching more.

He Lifts Me Up!

Okay so my plan was to write about your relationship with money today but I donated blood Thursday, got light headed 2 times that day, slept through my alarm and my kids alarm Friday morning and was in bed most of the rest of Friday since everytime I was on my feet for more then 30 minutes I’d get light headed.  Pumped myself full of supplements and beef, slept and was awake at 2 am today.   Won’t let that happen again! Next time I donate I pump up the vitamins first!

So meanwhile I found another GREAT question on the Dooce Community I just had to post my answer to here, and it’s about your relationship with your spouse.  It was “What do you do that annoys your SweetHeart, and maybe on purpose”:

Several people answered with “leave the light on”, “touch him with cold hands”,  “tickle”, etc.  Here’s my response:

what a GREAT question. I think I could ditto most everyone’s comments. Leaving lights on is what he does that bugs me, tickling is what I do to bug him. But there are hundreds of other things…. when I was dating I made a list of what I called “toothpaste questions” little things about how things were done around the house that I was NOT going to let get in the way of having a great relationship. I figured if we discussed and agreed on how to roll up the toothpaste, which direction to roll the tp, etc. Then we’d never have to get PO…BOY was I in for a shock! First, I didn’t even bother to ask most of those once the hormones were going and I wanted to be MARRIED! Second, there’s just so many things that can start a tiff that it’s impossible to avoid it. Guess I’m just glad he hangs out with me anyway, he must feel the same cause he’s still around!

We're still Having Fun!

This post is a combination of answers I made on the Dooce community:

MY MY!
Well let’s see because we were suddenly together even more of the time and in more ways, so maybe it had to. The changes were so gradual we barely noticed at first. Big changes didn’t really happen until we had 2 kids and the demands on our time were so much more. The dynamics were different too.

With one kid it seems like we just agreed and negotiated when there were differences of opinion, with two suddenly there were so many more people to think about.

There have been circumstances that changed our relationship more dramatically then just at marriage.   At marriage we were still so new in the relationship and still trying to please each other so much!   New strains or new events (be they kid, job, business, health, etc) can cause the dynamics to change and only if we have the habit of working on US can we stay together (like we easily did when we were first married).  It’s so easy to take for granted that person across the table or in our bed and look for help and support in other places.

Whatever changes you observe you must be open to your partner changing.  Growth is good!

PART II of this — If you had kids before you were married how did you focus on them and your spouse?

Well I didn’t have kids before I got married but my husband did. We had the privilege of one weekend with the kids and one weekend without. There are certainly pluses to that. The weekdays were generally just going through the routines.

I say watch what you do as you are dating. How do you get alone time. Is it setting up play dates for your son so you and your guy can have a date and play, or do you put him to bed at a certain time so you can snuggle, etc. Make sure that you continue these habits as you get married.

When my own kids came along I had a good friend with whom we traded a few hours one Saturday per month (she send hers one month and I’d send mine another month). That alone time is really critical to just talk and be together, with or without intimacy.

Finally, plan at least once a year where you spend a up to a week away from your kids (if a relative or dear friend can be with your son). Yes your son is your priority MOST of your and his life but so is your husband when you get married and he needs time and attention (like you will).

I started with dooce.com there Heather Armstrong has been blogging and showing herself and her family off for years.  She has over 1 million followers on Twitter alone and really has a great set up.  In her about me section she outlines how this started out strictly as something fun to chronicle her single life but soon became a business endevour, and finally blossomed to the point that her husband could leave his job and just work for her.  Now THAT is where we all want to be, right?

I mean my husband cooks so much better then me (oh, yeah I was supposed to have supper on, guess I’ll be wrapping this up shortly) and he’s faster at house cleaning then me too!  He longs for the day when my income surpasses what the family needs to live on.  I’m even getting over the fact that this is how business is done these days so I can enjoy shining in my business and letting my husband start the farm we really dream about having.  Anyway, I’m sitting here reading her blog and website, enjoying how much she is what I think so many Moms should be and then it hit me.

I found on her “about me column” that something happened in her college days that turned her off to the religion she was raised in as a youth.  Though she doesn’t go into that she makes clear that college life in a religious school is not all roses.   Then she goes on to say she left that religion and lives now completely out of any organized religion at all.  AAAGGH!  How many more martyrs of religion do we have to have.

I’m the first to admit that I have been offended at church.  I have even felt stifled by rules and regulations, especially those of a rigid family.  I still STRONGLY believe that God does exist and wants us to get together with Him and a few friends each week to worship Him.

As much as I’m all about coming back to the family and enjoying the way the internet can allow us to connect worldwide there is still something special about coming together in a community of believers that you won’t find by watching your favorite TV talk show, listening to radio hosts, or even connecting no my site or classes.

I have a great respect for many religions having studied them in my history classes, visited their congregations, and made many friends in all walks of life.  I believe there is greatness in many.  I also honor the importance of having daily personal time to develop your spirit in your own way.

I also proclaim, there IS a supreme being and He does want us to come together to serve each other.  We need time away from our business (especially if it’s in our home) and gracious I for one am THRILLED to have the excuse to get out of the house and into the church each week.   I hope more people who feel the same way will continue to speak out, WHATEVER your religion is.

Yes, I have had things that I learned tough lessons from.  Yet my kids are happy.
My kids are getting good grades.  My kids really feel good about themselves and they overall still say good things about me.  There are those moments of yelling at me and yet there are many moments of just happy times.

It all stems from giving them power to choose.  (Not just a Hobson’s choice where there is not really a choice) but truly giving them total power to choose.  For it’s reality.  Maybe you’ve heard of the German prisoner of war who lived through it and contributed it all to the attitude choices he made.

Your children can be taught the same.

No, you can’t choose whether you clean your room or not.  You can choose if you want to do it in a grumpy, slow fashion, or if you want to bustle through it in a happy go lucky sort of way.

You love your brother.  I know you’re mad at this minute and hurt.  It’s your choice how lnog to hold on to that.

I realized that hey, my kids ARE going to do better then me because I’m teaching them all THAT great sort of stuff.  I love it.  I love the way it helps my family.  Mostly I LOVE sharing it with others.

Love Marian

As I watched the scenes of Christmas, Hannakuh and Kwanza I started thinking holidays and gatherings.

I think most of us have pleasant holiday experiences.  The year the family went to Disney World for Christmas; the year I got “Rose” lotion,  (the sponsor of the Rose Parade that year), and gathering around a table full of candles to sing Silent Night are a few of my good memories.

We also probably all remember holidays that were less than perfect.  The time we didn’t get the “Mystery Date Game”,  “Weiner Whistle” or some other coveted gift may stand out in your mind as it does in mine.

However, it is the holiday gathering where relationships fail that bother me most. Those gatherings  like the ones where we have to “deal” with an unkind relative, again.  The sad ones, where someone goes storming out of the house because of hurt feelings.  The empty ones where someone doesn’t show up because of the last family gathering.

We may all have a few family members like the  Brad and Kate that we would rather not have to see.  Yet, even with those, we can find a peaceful and hope-filled holiday by preparing ahead.

The preparing I’m talking about is more than getting the right amount of spice in the pumpkin pie, and it’s much more important then the wrapping under the tree.   This preparation comes on paper, in the mind, and in the heart.

I was always amazed at the lists my mother could make in the weeks before holidays.  Menus, grocery lists, plans for who sits where, gifts lists and more.  The beautiful thing is that all her lists meant fewer trips back to the grocery store among the rushing shoppers.  I only learned the wisdom of her paper preparations when I was less then diligent the first few Christmas’s “in charge”.

With 10 kids, my Mom was all about creating shortcuts and less stress around the holidays.  The gift of those times savers was more time for meaningful interaction with family.  She even found a way to shorten “Santa’s” Preparations of gifts, we all got a nylon “Santa Bag” that could be stuffed into our stocking and stretched out by Santa to fit over all sorts of presents and Mom got extra hours of sleep.

Mom did one other critical thing for me, she prepared me in advance each year that “there may not be as many toys and presents this year”.  I don’t know if she realized how much that helped me be grateful for each and every comb set, slippers, pajamas, and toys.

Having lower expectations can help with our personal interactions too.  Take a moment to envision an interaction with a relative you’ve clashed with before.  Can you imagine a smile between you.  Can you hope for a hug, or a handshake?  It’s part of a little technique I teach called “setting your intention”  you can allow others to treat you with respect and mentally and emotionally create a Happy Holiday.

Your secret to stress free holidays may not be holiday bags or less gifts for the kids; you may find other things that will cut down on your stress level and help your family optimize this time together.  If you need a few ideas or your interested in a free coaching session about this feel free to leave a comment here or send me a message on Facebook.

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I had previously thought of this with a client who had “lost it ” with her co-workers.  Maybe you’ve felt  like her, “It was as if it was someone else was doing all the yelling.  I knew I was over-reacting but I couldn’t stop. I had a point to make!”   She’s right, you know, sometimes we DO over-react in a moments notice.  The worst is when we’re actually having a good time and then a short comment makes us go “OFF”.

Creating pleasant, loved- filled, long-lasting relationships begins by offensively communicating what you are trying to accomplish.  Let others know what your goal and mission is.  ( If you don’t have one, you’re not alone Bob Doyle, of Wealth Beyond Reason, points out that many of us lost the ability to dream because of living within the limits of society.  If you feel that way watch for my post next week, my Set for Success Seminar will help you create it).

Ask the people around you (friends, family, co-workers and even bosses) what their personal missions are.  The discussions are not only intriguing, they can unify you to take action towards actually making goals happen,  for you and others. Don’t just let this be a one time discussion either.  Set up regular times to review with all your associates what your missions are and how you can come together, align and grow your missions.

Offense in creating good relationships goes beyond just talking about long-term and lifetime missions and goals.  You should be communicating about your daily tasks as well.   Open and scheduled time to talk allows for ease of tensions.  You don’t have to be pressured to “finish” and “move on” when you know this is a specific time.  It can prevent blow ups later and help everyone’s tasks go smoother.  This includes team meetings, family business meetings and dinner dates (no going to the movies does NOT let you talk).

Many of you have probably heard some of that before.  What most relationship coaches do NOT bring up is the defensive strategies.  It’s those techniques we can use to defuse the negative feelings that suddenly arise, so we feel the emotions without blowing our tops.  I use several releasing techniques that I teach my clients in both group settings and one on one coaching.  I can’t say using these techniques “cure” you from having bad feelings.  What I DO know is that hundreds of my clients, and others, have successfully used these techniques to let go of hurtful things people have said (even years before) and move beyond ego blocks we created in our own lives.

I’m not talking about “getting on the defensive” here.  I’m talking about the opposite.  When we get on defensive we’re not getting anywhere close to our goal of peaceful relations.  Learning defensive strategies are personal applications that will help us  stay off the defensive, and resolve the conflicts in win/win ways.

Watch for my upcoming blogs, ebooks and recordings to learn more:)!

Soon you’ll be getting that Domenik Hixon created, taking a bad situation and easily running through blocks to score success in your relationships:)

Hey, and while you’re waiting for more of my ideas on keeping tempers cool, write in some of your own comments on times you kept your head on:)!

This was an on the nose article I enjoyed about using it.

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