On Finances and Marriage

You’ve heard the statistics that many divorces have their base in fights over money.  In this time of economic strain in all areas of the world it’s on the minds of many people.

Well last week Tommy and I  started a class with Dave Ramsey called Financial Peace University. It is a 12 week course held at a local church.  They actually give you DVDs of the course so you could watch it from home, or you can sign up online.  We are attending in person because a) we need a scheduled time to do it and they have childcare b)TOMMY wanted to attend and as part of my ALLOWING him to change I’m totally ecstatic that he thinks we should study about money together.  c) at the class we have a discussion group so we can “talk” without having to only be us.  d)always looking for networking opportunities.

Seriously we go for months without fighting about money!

Of course those are the months that Tommy is ignoring the money and I hold the burden all me own.  What always happens with that is I slip up, bounce a check or miss a payment and we are suddenly way off.  Then he hunkers down and starts having our regular talks about money and I follow our agreed upon agenda precisely.  When we do money flows in and out easily.  When we don’t we suffer,  our m and sales go down, our expenses go up, our NEEDS go up….

I really like what one of the testimonials on Dave’s program says “When you talk about money you don’t have to fight about money”.   Of course Tommy and I had a HUGE fight when we came home from the class last week.  It started with his telling the discussion group that he dragged me into here because he wanted me to be on the same page.  Totally discounting the YEARS I have been trying to get him to practice these principles but he wouldn’t.   We mostly had resolved that when he mentioned there was a chance he might lose his job, and I started talking about what his options were….  he took it as a total accusation that I don’t appreciate what he does (which I do by the way, LOVE the benefits,  LOVE the regular paycheck) and fired back with “at least I go out and do something that brings money in each day!  It’s true, lots of blame and lots of finger pointing went on.

It all boiled down to I have to be more courageous in my business endeavors and he has to spend time with me managing the money.

So we got our quickie budget done, we committed that $1000 of our tax return will go to our “emergency” fund which will never have to be used.  AND I held him to not spending the extra money he got on this check except for the things we had agreed it would go to.

My conclusion.  Well I think this is one more step in my allowing my marriage to be a wonderful place to be.  We have made SO MUCH progress since I realized I had to stop nagging and pushing and just allow Tommy to be Tommy and me to be me.  The 3-4 years since that has happened have brought lots of good times.  Even these little “bad” moments really leave us with more resolve to work together.

I TRULY believe that ANY marriage can be saved.  I have loved working with the people I have successfully coached through this and look forward to coaching more.

What do you do to annoy your SweetHeart, maybe on purpose

He Lifts Me Up!

Okay so my plan was to write about your relationship with money today but I donated blood Thursday, got light headed 2 times that day, slept through my alarm and my kids alarm Friday morning and was in bed most of the rest of Friday since everytime I was on my feet for more then 30 minutes I’d get light headed.  Pumped myself full of supplements and beef, slept and was awake at 2 am today.   Won’t let that happen again! Next time I donate I pump up the vitamins first!

So meanwhile I found another GREAT question on the Dooce Community I just had to post my answer to here, and it’s about your relationship with your spouse.  It was “What do you do that annoys your SweetHeart, and maybe on purpose”:

Several people answered with “leave the light on”, “touch him with cold hands”,  “tickle”, etc.  Here’s my response:

what a GREAT question. I think I could ditto most everyone’s comments. Leaving lights on is what he does that bugs me, tickling is what I do to bug him. But there are hundreds of other things…. when I was dating I made a list of what I called “toothpaste questions” little things about how things were done around the house that I was NOT going to let get in the way of having a great relationship. I figured if we discussed and agreed on how to roll up the toothpaste, which direction to roll the tp, etc. Then we’d never have to get PO…BOY was I in for a shock! First, I didn’t even bother to ask most of those once the hormones were going and I wanted to be MARRIED! Second, there’s just so many things that can start a tiff that it’s impossible to avoid it. Guess I’m just glad he hangs out with me anyway, he must feel the same cause he’s still around!

Does Marriage Change Your Relationship?

We're still Having Fun!

This post is a combination of answers I made on the Dooce community:

MY MY!
Well let’s see because we were suddenly together even more of the time and in more ways, so maybe it had to. The changes were so gradual we barely noticed at first. Big changes didn’t really happen until we had 2 kids and the demands on our time were so much more. The dynamics were different too.

With one kid it seems like we just agreed and negotiated when there were differences of opinion, with two suddenly there were so many more people to think about.

There have been circumstances that changed our relationship more dramatically then just at marriage.   At marriage we were still so new in the relationship and still trying to please each other so much!   New strains or new events (be they kid, job, business, health, etc) can cause the dynamics to change and only if we have the habit of working on US can we stay together (like we easily did when we were first married).  It’s so easy to take for granted that person across the table or in our bed and look for help and support in other places.

Whatever changes you observe you must be open to your partner changing.  Growth is good!

PART II of this — If you had kids before you were married how did you focus on them and your spouse?

Well I didn’t have kids before I got married but my husband did. We had the privilege of one weekend with the kids and one weekend without. There are certainly pluses to that. The weekdays were generally just going through the routines.

I say watch what you do as you are dating. How do you get alone time. Is it setting up play dates for your son so you and your guy can have a date and play, or do you put him to bed at a certain time so you can snuggle, etc. Make sure that you continue these habits as you get married.

When my own kids came along I had a good friend with whom we traded a few hours one Saturday per month (she send hers one month and I’d send mine another month). That alone time is really critical to just talk and be together, with or without intimacy.

Finally, plan at least once a year where you spend a up to a week away from your kids (if a relative or dear friend can be with your son). Yes your son is your priority MOST of your and his life but so is your husband when you get married and he needs time and attention (like you will).

What I Want IS!

I was looking up successful Mommy bloggers today.   I have been on this quest and defining my business long enough.  I want to really be taking action on making my SPLASH online.  So I wanted to see how other moms were making themselves, their family, and their business shine.

I started with dooce.com there Heather Armstrong has been blogging and showing herself and her family off for years.  She has over 1 million followers on Twitter alone and really has a great set up.  In her about me section she outlines how this started out strictly as something fun to chronicle her single life but soon became a business endevour, and finally blossomed to the point that her husband could leave his job and just work for her.  Now THAT is where we all want to be, right?

I mean my husband cooks so much better then me (oh, yeah I was supposed to have supper on, guess I’ll be wrapping this up shortly) and he’s faster at house cleaning then me too!  He longs for the day when my income surpasses what the family needs to live on.  I’m even getting over the fact that this is how business is done these days so I can enjoy shining in my business and letting my husband start the farm we really dream about having.  Anyway, I’m sitting here reading her blog and website, enjoying how much she is what I think so many Moms should be and then it hit me.

I found on her “about me column” that something happened in her college days that turned her off to the religion she was raised in as a youth.  Though she doesn’t go into that she makes clear that college life in a religious school is not all roses.   Then she goes on to say she left that religion and lives now completely out of any organized religion at all.  AAAGGH!  How many more martyrs of religion do we have to have.

I’m the first to admit that I have been offended at church.  I have even felt stifled by rules and regulations, especially those of a rigid family.  I still STRONGLY believe that God does exist and wants us to get together with Him and a few friends each week to worship Him.

As much as I’m all about coming back to the family and enjoying the way the internet can allow us to connect worldwide there is still something special about coming together in a community of believers that you won’t find by watching your favorite TV talk show, listening to radio hosts, or even connecting no my site or classes.

I have a great respect for many religions having studied them in my history classes, visited their congregations, and made many friends in all walks of life.  I believe there is greatness in many.  I also honor the importance of having daily personal time to develop your spirit in your own way.

I also proclaim, there IS a supreme being and He does want us to come together to serve each other.  We need time away from our business (especially if it’s in our home) and gracious I for one am THRILLED to have the excuse to get out of the house and into the church each week.   I hope more people who feel the same way will continue to speak out, WHATEVER your religion is.

Successes Just Keep Rolling In

I said yesterday that I am a successful parent.  Today that feeling was confirmed.

Yes, I have had things that I learned tough lessons from.  Yet my kids are happy.
My kids are getting good grades.  My kids really feel good about themselves and they overall still say good things about me.  There are those moments of yelling at me and yet there are many moments of just happy times.

It all stems from giving them power to choose.  (Not just a Hobson’s choice where there is not really a choice) but truly giving them total power to choose.  For it’s reality.  Maybe you’ve heard of the German prisoner of war who lived through it and contributed it all to the attitude choices he made.

Your children can be taught the same.

No, you can’t choose whether you clean your room or not.  You can choose if you want to do it in a grumpy, slow fashion, or if you want to bustle through it in a happy go lucky sort of way.

You love your brother.  I know you’re mad at this minute and hurt.  It’s your choice how lnog to hold on to that.

I realized that hey, my kids ARE going to do better then me because I’m teaching them all THAT great sort of stuff.  I love it.  I love the way it helps my family.  Mostly I LOVE sharing it with others.

Love Marian

That They May Be Strong and Good

As I child I often read the book  They Were Strong and Good. It is the story of the authors parents and grandparents and the struggles they overcame to be the strong people they were.  I think he captures the longing of us all, that our lives may be filled with adventure, and yet few of us see our lives that way.  Yet it was not just the adventure that lured me in. It was the strength that they gained from their adventures.

Today I have been reading again (you’d never guess my mother thought I struggled with reading).   In this book the author reminds us “we must forgive the sins of our parents so that our children will forgive ours.”

It is the lesson of the first big, and longest lasting trial of my life.  I was in my not yet 5 when my mother allowed a teenage boy into my life that would seek nothing but his own pleasures.  That night as she fretted over my sister’s broken curfew he was left unattended.  She even was able to ignore that he was walking out of my bedroom when she went down the hall to comfort me (ever so briefly) from my nightmare.

I have pondered long the lessons to be learned, the forgiveness to be given to all who made mistakes that night.  It was not until I started to make my own parenting mistakes that I began to understand.  For I was only trying to do what was best for my family in re-habing an old home when my 4 year old fell down the concrete steps just out of my reach.  I was merely working on my bookkeeping upstairs when my second son sliced 4 through his foot with a glass pane from a picture.  Oh, my horror when my own daughter was molested when I was only trying to “get away” for a night.  I had even chosen her caretaker because of my anger to my own mother.

Yet they have forgiven me.  They have become stronger for the struggles.

I have often felt as a mother a need to protect my children from pain.  To pull them out of a tense situation with their Dad.  To lesson their punishment when I knew they had done wrong.  To guard them from the hard learning lessons life may through on them.  Yet as I have become more and more healed from my own parent’s mistakes I have become more and more grateful I was not spared the pain.  I can stand strong today and tell you that I have overcome all the horrible pain and anguish that “victims” often have.  I am proud of the many things I have succeeded with in my life.   I can be grateful for the many times God gave my Mother the wisdom to save me from tragedy.  I can also be grateful for the times she was unable to for then I learned our deepest joys come when we have overcome our strongest trials.

One thing I am succeeding in is being a Mom.  My kids know they are loved.  They know I make may at times do things to hurt them.  When they yell at me “Your mean”.  I know I am on the path to success.  I understand by putting them through the trial of discipline in my home they will endure far less harsher punishments in the learning lessons of life.
I can not claim to have saved my children from every pain.  Nor do I want to.  For I want to be known for having raised children who can easily carry whatever life has given them and come out stronger.  I see the wisdom of pain.

I wish for my children joys and pray their path of healing from any but will be quick and easy.   I seek for my own life peace and perfection.  For when I see my life as giving me all that I need to grow I know my children will be give the ability to do the same.

I will rejoice and be glad in the moment and see each day as perfect for today.

From Tragedies Come Triumphs

I get inspired from the simplest of things.

Yesterday I was a little unfocused while trying to get a little work done.  I only had an hour or so while my kids played Wii but I wasn’t feeling driven to actually do what I had assigned myself to do  (write a family holiday letter for my friends with a sample product attached).   That all changed last night as I watched Julie and Julia with Tommy.   I had purposely passed it up a couple of times when I was choosing movies this holiday season because I thought it would be a “chick flick” and I generally watch those just when I’m doing laundry.

I was meant to watch it yesterday I’m sure.  Tommy had seen it playing as he waited to be attended to at a store that day.  He decided to stop by and pick it up on the way home.   As I watched I thought about how our greatest tragedies often become our greatest triumphs.  Julia Child was “stuck” in Paris with no children to care for and needed something to do.  She found professional cooking and it changed her life and gave all of us many gifts.  Julie Powell was stuck in a “dead end job” and wishing she had become the writer she had always dreamed of being.  She started a blogging project and we all can see the great result.

I have thought many times of telling my story, the why behind what I’m doing in my life.   I have even tried a few times.   I was inspired to get started again.  This time writing it as a blog, a little each day this year.   Then this morning I woke up singing “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw.  I thought about how the tragedy of his father’s battle with cancer and his death had touched Tim’s life.   I knew that I had to start by telling you the tragedies that have developed my life’s mission.  So come back to this page over the next few days and discover why I feel the 3 Greatest Gifts Parents Can Give Their Children will be so critical to my success.  You may just find this